To me, it's always a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, 'Hey, can you give me a hand,' you can say, 'Sorry, got these sacks.'
If I ever get real rich, I hope I'm not real mean to poor people, like I am now.
Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.
I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children, because I don't think children should be having sex.
I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.
If you go flying back through time, and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it's probably best to avoid eye contact.
You know one thing that will really make a woman mad Just run up and kick her in the butt. (P.S. This also works with men.)
I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint.
You know something that would really make me applaud A guy gets stuck in quicksand, then sinks, then suddenly comes shooting out, riding on water skis How do they do that
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